What to Do When You’re Misunderstood

You were clear.
You were grounded.
You thought it landed.

And then- 
they misinterpret your tone.
They twist your meaning.
They question your motives.

You feel the heat rise, your words tangle, and suddenly…you’re fighting for your own character.

I’ve been there more times than I can count.

When Misunderstanding Shuts You Down

Over a decade ago, I had a conversation with someone that I still think about.

Someone had told her I'd said something negative about her behind her back.
I had no clue what she was talking about.

I was deep in my people-pleasing era, so I said:
“I can’t imagine I said that, but if I did - I’m sorry.”

She didn’t understand.
“Either you said it or you didn’t.”

I kept trying to explain myself.
Clarify what I meant.
Clarify what I hadn’t meant. 

And every time I said something, it got worse.
She assumed the worst. My explanations dug the hole deeper.

Was I being an accidental ass?
Was she determined to see me that way?

Either way - it was awful.

That one interaction fundamentally changed our relationship.

And it validated the belief I’d been carrying since I was a kid:
I’m misunderstood when I speak up.
So it’s safer to stay quiet.

That belief held me back for years.

It also shaped how I thought about leadership - who gets listened to, who gets misunderstood, and how easily even the clearest message can get twisted when people hear you through their own fear.

If you’ve ever tried to speak up and felt yourself being misread, you know: it’s not just frustrating. It’s destabilizing. 

And it makes leadership feel impossible.
Because how can you lead if people don’t hear what you’re really trying to say?

Misunderstood ≠ Mistaken

Here’s what I know now:
You can say the right thing and still be misunderstood.
You can speak from your values and still be misread.
You can be clear and still not be received the way you intended.

That doesn’t make you wrong.
It makes you human.

And there's no better leader than one that fully embraces their humanity.

So what do you do in the moment when you feel the misunderstanding happening?

How to Stay Grounded When You’re Misunderstood

1. Anchor in What You Know for Sure

Before you start spiraling, ground yourself:

• What do I know is true here?

• What am I trying to communicate?

• What value or truth am I standing in?

Not what they’re assuming.
Not how they’re interpreting it.
What you know for sure.

This gets you back to your center - and that’s the only place you can speak from clearly.

2. Check the Nervous System

When misunderstanding hits, your system can spike.
Suddenly you’re fighting for your voice and your safety.

Try a simple 1-2 breath:

• Inhale for 4 counts.

• Exhale for 8.

Touch something solid. Plant your feet. Put your hand on your heart.
This doesn’t fix the conversation. But it helps you stay in it.

3. Use a Conversation Checkpoint

Sometimes, the clearest move is naming what’s happening.
Try:

“Hey, can we pause for a sec?
I feel like what I’m trying to say isn’t matching what you’re hearing.
And I want to make sure we’re actually in the same conversation.”

That one sentence changes everything.
It puts the focus back on connection - not control.
It invites the other person to clarify instead of continuing the spiral.

You don’t have to convince them.
You just have to slow it down enough to reconnect.

One More Thing: Not Everyone Wants to Understand You

Sometimes you will be misunderstood - and the other person doesn’t want clarity.
Sometimes they’re committed to their interpretation.

And that is next week’s conversation:
How to be okay being misunderstood - without over-explaining, over-apologizing, or twisting yourself in knots to fix it.

But for today?

You’re allowed to hold your ground in the moment.

Even if your voice shakes.
Even if you’re not sure how it will land.
Even if you have to circle back.

Clarity doesn’t mean everyone gets it.
Leadership means you speak anyway.

Want Help Navigating These Moments?

My 6-week coaching program is open - and this is exactly the kind of work we do.

• Get clear on what you want to say - before the moment happens.
• Handle misunderstandings without shutting down.
• Lead hard conversations without the spiral.

If you’ve been waiting to step into your next level of leadership - this is it.

Email [email protected] to grab your spot.

Let’s Talk

• Have you ever felt that “they’re totally misunderstanding me” panic mid-convo?

• How do you come back to clarity when that happens?

• What do you wish you could say—but you’re afraid they’ll take it the wrong way?

Drop a comment. Let’s open this one up.